Children often have some deschooling to do after leaving a traditional schooling environment. Deschooling is the time in which our kids decompress from the stress or trauma they may have experienced in school. It's also the time in which they unlearn the hidden messages of traditional schooling and rediscover a passion for life and learning.
Deschooling is not "a break from schooling". It's not even a break from learning. It's a process in which a person heals, changes thought patterns and ideas and accepts a new way of living outside the paradigm of coercive education.
Deschooling doesn't happen when a child or teen senses it's a temporary freedom.
It only happens when a child feels safe, trusted and encouraged and when they trust you and your motives in return.
Why Do They Need To Deschool?
When parents think about their school experience, they often think, "I survived, didn't I? What's the big deal?"
Yes, we survived. But did we thrive?
School doesn't encourage thriving. Thriving is individual and diverse; it means different things for different people. But in a school, kids don't have the ability to diversify. It would create chaos for 25-50 kids per classroom all doing what suited them best.
In an effort to encourage conformity to the rules, kids pick up various hidden lessons that create an atmosphere in which it is hard to learn:
• Being told they must learn something tells a child they are stupid.
• Not allowing kids to speak out of turn tells them they have nothing of value to add.
• Sticker charts, good grades and positive reinforcement shows a child their actions are only worthwhile when someone else notices them.
• Punishments, bad grades and reprimands cause one to question their self-worth when they fail to achieve perfection (which they undoubtedly will at some point).
• Busy-work creates an inability to relax and a habit of overworking.
• Focusing on a person's behavior and "results" devalues them as a whole person.
• Having to ask permission to use the bathroom teaches kids their very nature is not trustworthy.
These are the struggles we see in adults seeking therapy or self-help. These are the things we've been taught ourselves from a very young age. These are the lessons every child and adult must unlearn in order to thrive in the world.
Helping Our Kids Deschool
As mentioned, a child's deschooling process looks a lot like decompression or even detoxing. You might see new and worrisome behaviors, old or regressive behaviors or not much happening at all. It can feel overwhelming and at some point most parents start to worry they've made the wrong decision. For the most part, their process will be personal and internal. You can't rush it, but you can help:
• Let Go of Expectations: If a dear friend came to live with us after a traumatic experience, we would likely encourage them to take their time healing. We wouldn't outline how they must do it, nor would we expect them to do something for us in return. Likewise, it's important to drop expectations from our kids. Putting a time limit on their deschooling, insisting they keep up with their learning, do chores, etc can all be damaging to a child's burgeoning sense of trust.
• Addition, Not Subtraction: When you take something out of someone's life (especially something that fills so much of their life like school does), it can leave a person feeling unsure, stressed, bored, or unmotivated. Taking away what a person knows leaves them floundering for something to fill the void. Be sure you help them fill that void. Introduce new people into their lives, take them to new places they wouldn't be able to go if they were in school and bring new experiences and resources into your home. Show them the possibilities of life without school.
• Build On and Support Interests: In school a child's interests are often pushed aside to meet state or federal standards. They probably weren't allowed to make art for more than an hour a week or read the book of their choice when it was time for math. Because of this kids learn not to trust themselves and their passions and they learn not to share those interests with others. Everyone needs to know their interests have value. Show interest in what they love, ask questions and participate whenever possible. Then build their interests by showing them more of it, seeking out similar experiences and finding new resources for exploration.
• Support Them Unconditionally: Often children must rebuild a trust in learning and a desire to try new things. Many times this process will look like a complete reversal in their mood, their behavior and their activities. Much like a pendulum, if a person felt stuck on one side of the spectrum they will likely have to swing all the way to the other side before finding their center again. Support your children where they are and validate their experience. Be okay with their need to "do nothing," help them find a way to express themselves and listen and validate them when they do. It's equally important to support their desire to not talk.
• Stay Involved In Their Lives: In case you haven't noticed, your involvement is key. But when I say involvement, I mean real involvement. Do what your kid wants to do, at the expense of the dishes being washed or the carpet cleaned. Rearrange your life to play video games with your son or stay up late with your daughter. Ask questions when they're open to talking, and listen more than you speak. Don't leave them alone to navigate the world on their own (but get out of the way when they're ready). Partner with them in whatever capacity they desire to support their journey.
• Get Connected: Losing a peer group isn't much fun. Neither is it fun to maintain the same group of friends who are all doing something without you. Not knowing any other unschooling kids can bring up a lot of doubt and loneliness in our kids. But the great thing about unschooling is that their peer group can become much more diverse and interesting than other children of the same age and ability. Connect with families and kids of all ages, homeschooling, unschooling and alternative schooling. Connect with families who travel full-time by inviting them to stay with you. And connect with people within your community doing interesting things. But don't disconnect from old friends unless it's what your son or daughter wants. Again, add, don't subtract from your child's life.
You can't put a deadline on personal development and you can't dictate what an individual person is experiencing. But with your unfaltering support and unconditional love, your kids will come through the deschooling process with a new outlook on life.
